Is your family close? Do you tolerate each other? Or do you actually enjoy each other? Do you love spending time together? Can you laugh with each other?
Every family has its 鈥渕oments鈥濃攂ut I鈥檓 surprised at how many Christian families really don鈥檛 cultivate family health. Many have long seasons of distance, anger, division, or fracture. Perhaps we鈥檙e too busy. Perhaps we fall into cultural norms, accepting less than God鈥檚 best. Perhaps we just fail to assign the right biblical priority or value to family.
I hope this post will compel you to work at, and intentionally cultivate family health. One of God鈥檚 greatest gifts to you is your family. Your family is absolutely your greatest ministry, your highest call, and your most valuable stewardship鈥攏ext to Jesus Himself!
What do healthy families get right? As I鈥檝e studied and learned from healthy families over the years, here鈥檚 some qualities I see and desire to emulate:
Healthy families鈥
Play Together
As I reflect on my own childhood, and then our family and many others, this is the first thing that comes to mind. Not many days pass before a healthy family calls 鈥渢ime out鈥 to life and plays together on purpose. Whether it鈥檚 a picnic, a hike, a day in the city, or a week or more of vacation鈥攏othing can replace the value of this un-rushed, laughter-filled time of fun memories.
I often thank my own parents for their focus on family fun! Whether or not we could 鈥渁fford it,鈥 my parents always made sure that we played鈥攁 lot鈥攖ogether. In many ways my Dad and Mom never fully grew up, and that kept our family close through many exceptional memories.
Forgive Each Other
Reconciliation is big in healthy families. 鈥淯gly stuff鈥 isn鈥檛 left unresolved for days and days. They refuse to go days 鈥渘ot talking鈥 or 鈥渉olding grudges.鈥 They force themselves to sit down, work through, and have the hard, long conversations required to understand, forgive, and reconcile with each other.
This requires courage and leadership. It requires humility and the ability to forgive when offended, or to accept responsibility when you鈥檝e been wrong. Forgiveness is big in healthy families!
Celebrate Growth Together
Healthy families cheer each other on! They celebrate each other鈥檚 victories. When one makes the team, one鈥檚 grade improves, one gets selected for a promotion鈥攁ll rejoice. When one makes a high-value decision, everyone celebrates.
One way to say this is that healthy families are not competitive. Children learn at relatively young ages that they aren鈥檛 competing, and they can be free to celebrate each other. In these families, each is applauded! Everyone鈥檚 strengths and gifts are valued. Everyone鈥檚 personality type and uniqueness is cherished. Family members are willing to celebrate the growth of others.
Extend Grace to Each Other
Like forgiveness, in healthy families, the internal culture doesn鈥檛 expect perfection. The expectation is that 鈥渨e鈥檙e all growing, we鈥檙e all under construction by God, and we鈥檙e all being developed by His grace.鈥 These families are taking the Christian journey together, and they learn early that the family unit itself is, in part, God鈥檚 laboratory of growth and development.
Recently I was privileged to spend a week with my youngest brother, Mark, who serves as a missionary in an impoverished village in the mountains of Guatemala. One of my greatest take-aways was how God used Mark鈥檚 spirit in my own heart. His grace and kindness towards me and his whole family provided me with a vivid picture of the heart of a godly leader and a loving shepherd-father.
Pray Together
Healthy families come to God together. They break through the early awkwardness of family prayer, and they cherish times when they pray together. This can start at the dinner table, but it should expand. It should be consistent, spontaneous, and inclusive of the whole family.
For our family, growing up, this was on the way to school each morning, then again before bed in the evening. Periodically, in light of a particular need, I would often say, 鈥淗ey guys, every one come in here, we鈥檙e going to pray together.鈥 Over time, this became natural and normal. More importantly, it was powerful to knit our hearts and cement our faith as a family. God used those times to help us navigate a lot of tough things together.
Attend Church Together
Casual, occasional Christians raise even more casual kids. Don鈥檛 be surprised if your 鈥減eriodic church attendance鈥 produces children who rarely (if ever) attend church. There are a lot of reasons kids drop away from church, but one of them is simply that their parents never placed them in a healthy, biblical environment in which they were fully engaged.
I realize there are unhealthy churches, but I refuse to reject God鈥檚 model because of some bad examples. Most of my life, God allowed me to grow in healthy, thriving, Bible-centered churches; and I owe every good thing in my life to the truth I learned in those communities. Thank you, Dad and Mom for going 鈥渁ll in鈥 and keeping us faithful in healthy church environments!
Grow in God鈥檚 Word Together
This goes with the previous point but expands on it. Have you ever read a book together? Have you ever attended a family conference together? I鈥檓 thankful that my parents engaged me at a young age in opportunities to grow in my faith. We attended apologetic seminars, Christian growth classes, family camps, and many other environments where we learned God鈥檚 word together.
Some of our friends thought it was odd that we chose to sit with our parents in church. They thought that perhaps our parents required it. That was not the case. We sat with our parents in church because we liked them!
Spend Time Together
None of the above points are possible without time. A healthy family is built through extended time together. Today, our culture is built on busyness. We fill every free moment with sports practices, karate lessons, music recitals, and more. Every extracurricular activity takes precedence over family time.
May I strongly challenge you swim upstream and resist this trend? Twenty years from now, most of these extracurricular things will not be important to your adult child. But your family鈥檚 culture and the time you spent together will prove to be invaluable鈥攖o your grown child, and to your grandchildren!
It鈥檚 time to make your family decisions in light of your future grandkids鈥攍ike twenty-five years before they are born! Do now what will produce the healthiest family value system for them then!
Celebrate Traditions
These last two points seem contradictory, but they both work. First, build some things you enjoy doing and do them predictably. Our family traditions were things like: family vacation annually, school shopping together for supplies, taking one last 鈥渟ummer get-away鈥 before school started, going to breakfast on the first day of school, having cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning, opening one gift on Christmas Eve, visiting family on Thanksgiving, movie nights, game nights, Easter egg treasure hunts, trips to Disneyland, days off school with Dad. This list could go on!
Build into your family relationships some repeated memories to which you return repeatedly. And take a lot of pictures, so one day you can prove to your kids what a good parent you were.
Hang Together and Enjoy Spontaneity
Spontaneous fun can be just as valuable as traditions. There鈥檚 something awesome about calling an audible and surprising everybody. 鈥淣o school today, we鈥檙e going on a day trip!鈥 The surprise sort of burns the memory into a permanent place. So, periodically be random, on purpose!
I enjoyed surprising my daughter with unexpected train rides to New York City while she was in our home. We would spend the evening walking, eating, shopping, and enjoying the city. It鈥檚 became one of her favorite things to do, in part because of the surprise factor.
It is good for your family to periodically go 鈥渙ff script鈥 and do something unexpected and out of the norm, and then to just hang together.
In closing, may I simply implore you to hit the reset button on family health? May I bemoan how quickly our children grow up? At my age, I鈥檓 not looking back wishing I had worked longer hours. I鈥檓 looking back, amazed at how quickly all those years flew past.
Our children are now adults. We are grateful for the many memories God gave us growing up together, and we marvel at how brief their childhood really was鈥攍ots of hard work, lots of great memories; and all of it just blows by like a high-speed train!
Please be intentional and purposeful about family health. Please give your family your best, while you can. Everything else can come second鈥 keep Jesus first and love your family best!
I promise, you will be very glad you did!
Amen